My Name is Robert Paulson

So the Nuke plant that I am working at has just started (about a week ago) it’s refueling outage. So my gingerific officemate and I take turns manning our office around the clock. Jerm and I Native American leg wrestled, I lost, and got stuck with night shift.




For those of you that have not had the pleasure of being involved with a nuclear refueling outage, you really don’t know what you are missing. This little industrial marvel is when the plants flips off the light switch, throws all of the spent fuel into Niagara Falls, or jams it down “Ol Faithful, or whatever they do with it (this is not my department), and replaces or rearranges the remaining fuel. Also, they fix or update old equipment, or just for practice take out equipment that is perfectly ok and put it back in. All the while, Greenpeace gets to sit on the boarder of the site and burn fistfuls of the plants money until it comes back online.

As such, the plant has a strong desire to get everything done as fast and safely as possible. This creates a great influx of new workers. As Jerm overheard one guy say “Every fucking carnie north of the mason Dixon line is going to be here next week”. That is funny on its own, but no one north of the mason Dixon line uses that expression, so the irony gives it that little bit of extra fun.





Anyway…



So I have been drawing a lot of comparisons between this outage and the movie Fight Club. And what kind of a guy would I be if I didn’t share these thoughts with you. A bad one… I would be a bad kind of guy….



First off, there is the obvious sleep deprivation aspect. I am the type of guy that doesn’t feel right if I don’t get 14-16 hours of sleep a night. I’m not one of those hippy types that sleeps in until noon, I go to bed roughly the same time as the average 4th grader. So switching over to night shift was not an easy transformation for me.

The first night, I did ok until about 2:30, then the guys on my crew had to wheel me around on a hand cart like Hannibal Lector. The second night I made it strong all shift. Then I stopped at Wegman’s on the way home to get lots of meats and cheeses. I was on the phone with Kali as I shopped, tooting my own horn about how awake I was, how the carnies have taken to me and want me to be one of them, and other such ramblings. As I rounded the corner to the deli, it was like I got shot with a tranquilizer dart. I dropped my phone and ran for the door like Jim Carrie running from the tribesmen in Ace Venture 2, with my arms hanging limp by my sides… I got in the car, and drove immediately into a light pole, and slept for 5 hours.



I have somewhat adjusted. But with our opposite schedules, when Kali and I talk on the phone, nine times out of ten I am in some state of unconsciousness. I fear that she suspects that I have developed a drug problem. That and I am never quite sure what day it is. It is very odd when you come into work on one day, and it changes to the next day sometime during the time you are hiding from your superiors.



The other glaring similarity to Fight Club is the….



Wait… if you haven’t seen Fight Club, stop reading this, go write “I am not a real man” 100 times, and watch it… Don’t keep reading until you do, as I am about to ruin it for you.



OK you are back.. Good wasn’t it…

The other similarity is that Jerm and I are never together in the outside world at the same time. It’s like Jerm is Ed Norton, and I am Tyler Durdan (I’m actually more like Robert Paulson but this is my story, I can be who I want), and Dale and Shaun are Marla. Jerm goes to work, I come home an hour later, then in the afternoon I leave and Jerm shows back up. They never get to see us together, and I am beginning to fear that I am a figment of his imagination.



You would think that I would be better looking if I was an image that he conjured up in his head right? So I am pretty sure that I still exist, but who knows.



But just to complete the whole Fight Club thing, I am going to march into my bosses office later this morning, and kick the shit out of myself and demand a raise.



I have to wait until Jerm gets here first so I have a way to get home….