Having a 5 month hiatus from flying away every Monday and back every Friday has cooled my rage. Which is a good thing, because old Dan would have ended up on the Wham13 evening news, right next the car bomber that got yoinked off the plane right before it took off. (How great is that by the way. Homie probably just relaxed for the first time in months. “Whew… I made it”... Then, “sorry folks, apparently one of you has to go get info beaten out of you with phone books, and then spend the rest of your life in Gitmo” (is Gitmo still open? (tubby and I saw a bumper sticker that said “save Gitmo”, it was funny and conversation invoking regarding what it actually meant))))
I had to go to Maine for part of this week for a meeting. I was sitting in ROC, waiting for my plane to board, and I saw a girl with maybe the ugliest dog I had ever seen in one of those purse/dog cage/douche identifier’s. She walked by, and I wondered what she did with the dog on the plane? And I wondered what the chances were that she would end up sitting with me, and I would be able to share my in flight snack with the dog. It turns out that the chances were 0%.
Though, I did get to have an interaction with the dog that most people never get to have on a plane. I was one of those guys who want to get on the plane immediately when the boarding announcements start. Brian Regan did a bit on this, and I wanted to be apart of it. As soon as the JetBlue representative said “we will now begin boarding from the rear of the plane”, I immediately pushed my way to the front of the line and boarded before my row was called, against the explicit instructions of the staff. As such, everyone that got on had to pass by me sitting in my “extra leg room seat” (it is $10 bucks extra, but it is so worth it, especially when I am not paying for it). This included the lady with the ugly dog. I didn’t notice her until she was standing immediately to my left, her dog bag touching my arm. I looked up to see her, then lowered my head to look at “ugly dog”, just as “ugly dog” leaned its head out and licked my left cheek right next too my nose. I just pulled my head back in a mix of disgust and shock, along with girlish giggling over the absurdity of what had just happened. Well at least that will be the strangest thing that happens on this plane ride….. not so much.
So the cabin door closes, and I am the only person in the three seats in my row on my side on the isle. I am a window guy, but for some reason I picked isle seats for every leg of my trip, no idea way… So when I see that I am all alone I move over to the window.
The other side of the isle had a woman with a baby girl sitting on her lap (I assume it was a girl, I guess it could have been a dude baby wearing fruity clothes), a college kid, and someone who apparently didn’t leave an impression on me. I thought for sure that one of them would get up and move to the isle seat on my side, but none of them did. I thought this was funny (funny strange, not funny haha) as I feel asleep before the plane took off.
That is one thing that I did not lose in the past five months. In the roughly 275 flights (not exaggerating) that I have taken in the last 3 years, I think I have been awake for maybe 3 or 4 takeoffs. The minute I sit in an airplane seat, I am out like a light. If I walk past a TV with a plane on it, I pass out and hit my head.
So there I am, slumbering the way that I do, until the sleeve/collar of my shirt gets tugged on. Many of you have had me pull down on your shirt sleeve (if you haven’t you are lucky, it is infuriating, hence fun to do to people). This is pretty much what happened to me. I open my eyes to see the baby girl/possible fruity baby dude, standing in the middle seat, staring at me smiling with an expression showing that she was very excited that I was now awake, and that she was happy that we were going to get to spend this time together.
I leaned past her to see her mother sitting in the isle seat, with the same expression. It is not socially acceptable behavior to let your baby shake strangers away, nor is it a safe practice to condone. But this is where I discovered that I had mellowed out in the travel department. My previous travel rage coupled with my distaste for crib midgets possibly would have lead to a baby chucking. But again, the absurdity of it lead me to just chuckle, and I ordered a vodka tonic and gave it to the baby as I am still not drinking.
Back at the airport in Portland on Wednesday morning, I sat people watching. I had a very deep period when I thought about how there are so many people in the world that I will never meet. How they have things that are so hugely important to them, but those things will never have anything to do with my life. How our two worlds would crash together if I was to jump up and tackle one of them, but if I didn’t, we would go on living in our two different worlds…. Deep isn’t it… think about that the rest of the day, then go out and tackle a stranger and tell him to pay it forward…
I had a 4 hour lay over at JFK that was filled with all sorts of “other people’s worlds”.
This girl came up to the ticket counter that I was sitting next two and asked about the plane that she had just gotten off. When the JetBlue guy said that it had just taxied out for its next flight, she loudly whined that she had left her purse on it… The guy called someone with his walkie talkie and they said that they had done a walk though and there was no purse on the plane. The girl disagreed. Again loudly and extremely whinny.
Her boyfriend came up, and joined the conversation. He seemed to stay calm (so calm it seemed strange) and she continued to half shout “But I left my purse on it”. She went on and on about how her wallet and passport and drivers license was in her purse. But she only seemed to be saying things when someone was around to hear her. She was very upset when the JetBlue people were there, and perfectly fine when they weren’t. Picture Juliette Lewis in “Old School” when she is apologizing to Luke Wilson about cheating on him “But I am really sorrrryyyyyy” as she stops to smoke her cigarette.
This went on for a while until I believe that the JetBlue people basically said “what do you want me to do about it, we didn’t find a purse” and walked away.
I continued to watch the couple as they walked away and sat on the other side of the terminal. The girl sat down, and the guy was yelling at her with wild arm movements. It was too enticing and I had to go see what they were talking about. I all sneaky-like nonchalantly slowing walked past them, and he was berating her for causing a scene (hey pot, you are black asshole! Look at me, I am James Bonding you because of it). I didn’t want to seem like I was looking at them so I turned to pretend to look at something else and saw these two Asian girls taking pictures of one another standing in front of stores. And not NYC specific store fronts, stores like Boarders and Dunkin Donuts. I laugh and this and turn away from them so see a guy with the most fantastic comb over ever… It was the perfect storm. I duck into the bathroom the compose myself. I thought about what the chances were Jeremy had staged everything that was going on for a new reality show, because for some reason everything reminded me of him somehow. He has yet to call me and reveal this to me, but I still am holding out hope.
Satisfied that I had had enough fun for one layover, I went to my gate. There was a bar right in the middle of the gate, which I thought was a wicked idea. You could drink, and not have to worry about your plane boarding. I wished that I hadn’t given up drinking.
I did sit and listen to a guy tell the bartender about Dibella’s subs. And that they were all over the Northeast and New England. Then tell him that “Cheeseburger Cheeseburger” was started in Rochester and that they are all over Rochester. You may be asking yourself, what “Cheeseburger Cheeseburger” is. That is because there aren’t any in Rochester.
I wanted more than anything (even more than a piece of the Portland Pie Company pizza) to go set this all straight. But I thought back about how if I sit and do nothing, the bartender and the filthy liar will go on about their lives without me. Their conversation would have happened whether I was here or not, and what difference would it make if I told him that there are no DiBella’s in New England and there are no Cheeseburger Cheesburger’s in Rochester.
So calmly I got up, walked away, and tackled a woman with a baby
Pay it forward…..
